It’s official: the voice of sanity in the Republican race, Jon Huntsman, has dropped out. This is the man who tweeted: “To be clear, I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.” Well, apparently they did call him crazy. Because now we just have the five non-crazies left, right? Including a guy who compared Muslims to Nazis. And another guy who said: “gays should just stop being gay.”
Frankly, I’m a little frightened by this race. But what do you say we turn fear into mirth and do a little compare and contrast between the candidates? Below are some categories in which the candidates (Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum) are matched up against each other.
If he wins, it’s because…
ROMNEY: He’s the sanest of the bunch. (Which is like saying Sleepy is the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.)
PAUL: He’s old (adorability factor). Plus, he has the biggest cult following since Scientology.
PERRY: (Using his own logic) “If Ricky Bobby can win NASCAR, why can’t Ricky Perry win the presidency? IF YA AIN’T FIRST, YER LAAAAST!”
GINGRICH: When he speaks, he sounds like puberty hasn’t hit him yet. Justin Bieber’s voice is deeper than his. People just feel bad.
SANTORUM: Voters are sadistic.
If he loses, it’s because…
ROMNEY: Let’s face it: Mitt Romney is going to win the nomination. I really don’t know why the rest of them are even bothering to run against him. Romney really has to do something outrageously stupid to lose the race. Like endorse Obama. Or shave his head. (68% of Romney supporters back him because they like his perfectly conditioned hair.)
PAUL: He’s old (senility factor). Plus, evangelical voters don’t like that he claims the Big Bang happened. He knows it did because he was there.
PERRY: He is for gay marriage. On the surface, he may be an outspoken homophobe, but he subliminally loves gay people. In fact, I think he’s gay. Why else would he be wearing the Brokeback Mountain jacket in his infamous ad, “Strong” (the most disliked video on YouTube)?
GINGRICH: Family man? The guy can’t keep his wrinkly weiner in his own pants. (Well, I guess he likes to create families…)
SANTORUM: According to recent slang dictionaries, his last name also means “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”. When the ballot lists four grown men and then a blend of KY Jelly and poop, the first elimination is pretty clear.
“Oops!” Moment…
ROMNEY: Admitting that he likes to “fire people”. Watch it here.
PAUL: Getting a little heated after Brüno innocently tries to seduce him. Watch it here.
PERRY: Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Perry invented the “oops!” moment. The man is such a true comedian that he sabotaged his own chances in the race just to offer the public some laughs.
GINGRICH: His entire campaign.
SANTORUM: Stereotyping black people as welfare recipients…then later explaining the context of his comment…then denying he ever said it.
A close second is his attack on gay people (valiantly and surprisingly exposed by Fox News. Wow). Watch it here.
If he were an animal, he would be a…
ROMNEY: Skunk. Because of the streak of light fur / hair. Not because of the unbearable stench (hopefully).
PAUL: Giant Tortoise. These creatures have the longest life span on Earth, with one particular tortoise having lived to the age of 176. Almost as old as Paul, then.
PERRY: Texas Longhorn. So that he could grill and eat himself with beans ‘n’ slaw.
GINGRICH: Newt. Duh.
SANTORUM: Sheep. So that if he got cold, he could shear himself and knit a sweater vest. Which sort of defeats the purpose of having an insulating layer of wool. But don’t argue with the man – he likes his sweater vests.
His campaign song should be…
ROMNEY: Drake, “Money To Blow”.
PAUL: “Greensleeves”, the song believed to be composed by Henry VIII in the 1500s. It reminds Paul of his childhood.
PERRY: Britney Spears, “Oops, I Did It Again”.
GINGRICH: Nelly Furtado, “Promiscuous”.
SANTORUM: Avril Lavigne, “Sk8er Boi”. Really has no relevance but it would be funny to hear it play at his rallies.
If he wins, his opening line(s) at the Republican Convention will be…
ROMNEY: “Let us all take a moment to pray to our Mormon God…Just playing!”
PAUL: “Four score and twenty years ago, I was born.”
PERRY: “Well, gosh darn it, who’d ‘a’ thought?! I didn’t think anyone would vote for me! I was just messin’ with y’all!”
GINGRICH: I don’t know what his opening line would be, but I really hope it’s this: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a6e1fea587/newt-gingrich-a-bad-lip-reading-soundbite
SANTORUM: “Männer Abgeordnete des Deutschen Reichstages! An einem für das deutsche Volk bedeutungsvollen Tage ist der Reichstag heute zusammengetreten.” (Also opening lines of a speech by Adolf Hitler, 1937).
If he wrote a book, it would be called…
ROMNEY: Emotionless: Born Without a Personality (Autobiography).
PAUL: Experiences from the Revolutionary War (Autobiography).
PERRY: The Adventures of HucklePerry Finn.
GINGRICH: A rewrite of the classic novel, War and Peace, leaving out the Peace part. So, War, basically.
SANTORUM: Conversion Therapy for Dummies.
So, there are the candidates for you. They’re all so strong that I really don’t know how people will choose. But what about a shout-out to the ones that got so far but just not far enough? Let’s remember Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann and Jon Huntsman.
Why we wish he or she had won…
CAIN: An Obama vs. Cain general election would have been a historical moment, in seeing the mass suicide of hundreds of Ku Klux Klan members across the country.
BACHMANN: A Bachmann-Palin ticket? Replacing State of the Union addresses with make-out sessions live from the Oval Office? Hell, Bill Clinton had his fun, why can’t she? (Cigar, anyone?)
HUNTSMAN: His daughters are hot. This would have been a new thing. Obama’s daughters are way too young. Bush’s daughters were average. Clinton’s daughter had Hillary’s looks. Come to think about it, when was the last time a president had a son? Oh right, it was George Bush Sr. Who was his son again? Oh, that’s right. The last president.
Why he or she dropped out…
CAIN: Allegations about an affair and sexual harassment claims.
BACHMANN: Poor result in Iowa caucuses.
HUNTSMAN: Lack of support.
Why he or she REALLY dropped out…
CAIN: Are you kidding? A black Republican? That’s more rare than a Chinese Mormon (sorry, Huntsman)! The guy’s struck gold! Call Guinness World Records!
BACHMANN: She discovered that there aren’t 28 bedrooms in the White House – her family wouldn’t have fit.
HUNTSMAN: He realized he was normal.
“Oops!” Moment…
CAIN: The weirdest campaign ad in history. Watch it here.
BACHMANN: Wishing Elvis a happy birthday on the anniversary of his death.
HUNTSMAN: Realizing he was running for the wrong party.
If he or she were an animal, he or she would be…
CAIN: A stray fox, so that he could raid Godfather’s Pizza leftovers.
BACHMANN: The cockroach monster thing from Men In Black.
HUNTSMAN: A chimpanzee. Since he’s the closest one to a human.
His or her campaign song should have been…
CAIN: I just wish it could’ve been this:
BACHMANN: Nicki Minaj, “Stupid Hoe”.
HUNTSMAN: The Chinese National Anthem. Just to freak people out a little.
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